Dear Subscriber First Name

Ever had a barney with your significant other?

Silly question.

Have you ever had the same barney with your significant other?

“You didn’t put the bins out… again.”
“You’d rather spend time with your mates than me.”
“Why can’t you make more effort with my family?”
“Does anyone appreciate anything I do?”
“You call that china white?”
“I’m the only one that cleans up around here.”
“You know it’s my ADHD…”

sigh.

What usually happens next?

A bit of huffing. A retreat to opposite ends of the house. Eventually someone softens. A truce is negotiated.

Until the next instalment.

Round umpteenth….

Before I was a workplace coach, I spent years as a couples therapist. Different couples. Different stories. Different presenting issues.

And yet, statistically (over 90% actually), most recurring arguments were about the same grievances - despite insight, regret, good intentions and a genuine desire to “be better”.

The couple simply couldn’t sustain the change.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve written about two related ideas.

1. What we revert to under pressure.

2. What lingers afterwards.

Under pressure, we default to what is familiar. Practised. Well-worn. (What we revert to under pressure)

And when the moment passes, something remains - a ‘lingering’ residue. A story. A fixed view about what happened and who was at fault. (What lingers afterwards)

Pressure reveals the pattern.
What lingers reinforces it.

If nothing interrupts that cycle, repetition becomes inevitable.

Back on the therapy couch, I would tackle this by guiding couples through an exercise called “Aftermath of a fight or regrettable incident.”

It slowed everything down.

What did you feel?
What was your reality?
What was triggered?
What was your part?
What needs to happen differently next time?

And then the deeper question:

What belief or earlier experience might have driven that reaction?

It was the conversation after the conversation.

Not to win.
Not to reignite the fight.

To understand - and reduce repetition.

Most workplaces don’t have an equivalent.

There might be an apology. Or a justification. Or silence.

But rarely is there structured repair.

And this is where Schema Coaching becomes relevant.

Traditional workplace coaching focuses on observable behaviour change. Fair enough - organisations want new and improved behaviour.

Schema Coaching looks one layer deeper.

It works with the hidden drivers of behaviour - the patterns learnt early and rehearsed often.

Under pressure, they take over.
Afterwards, they linger.
Without reflection, they return.

Different project.
Different client.
Same round.

And organisations pay for it.

They don’t want to keep revisiting feedback already given.
They don’t want repeated performance conversations about the same issue.
They don’t want behavioural risk sitting quietly in key roles.

And they certainly don’t want billable hours being chewed up managing around someone’s predictable pattern.

When dynamics don’t shift, decision-making slows.
Trust erodes.
Good people disengage.
Small relational issues quietly become commercial ones.

Individually, it feels frustrating.

Organisationally, it becomes risk.

So perhaps the better question isn’t:

“Why did that happen again?”

But:

“What pattern keeps bringing this back - and what would it take to properly revisit it?”

If you notice your own version of round umpteenth - at home or at work - it may not be a failure of willpower.

It may be a signal.

And sometimes the most productive conversation is the one that happens after the moment has passed.

til next time

Tim